Ants in the pants…..

I am very antsy. Adventurous is probably the better word. I finally have all of my lesson planning for next year done.  (until I finish buying the few things I need) Now I am just antsy. Beaner just turned 10 and I am not sure where the time went. 18 years with our children just does not seem like enough time. I don’t like that they are all growing up so quickly. I enjoy them so much I don’t want the time to ever end.

Logically I understand that they really are not going anywhere. I know I will always be a part of their life but I am struggling. Lil Bit is 2 and the thought of not homeschooling, going on field trips and being around them each day scares the crap out of me. I don’t want hobbies and things for myself it it means missing out on time with them. I have always given them their space but I really like them as people.

I think I am going to have some major empty nest syndrome when they do leave the homes. I want to be with them every step they allow me to be part of. I don’t ever want to invade, but if they invite me in I will gladly be at their side for anything they need. I think the fact they are all becoming so independent is triggering some anxiety. I wanted to raise strong, independent girls and I have been successful thus far. I don’t see that changing.

I am always seeking balance, perspective, quietness, peace and stillness. I feel like I have a great handle on those things most of the time. On the other hand I feel this urgency to want to do more. With Beaner turning 10 I feel like the time just jumped ahead. I can say I was honestly present and in the moment the whole time but it went so fast. I know it will with the other girls as well. I cherish the time I have had, and the time yet to come. They have taught me how to live life. No. Love life. They have taught me how to experience it with all of my senses. Without them I am not sure what my view on life would be.They always give me perspective.

I want to stay present and not miss anything. I don’t want to look to far into the future, as it really scares me. We don’t know what the future holds for any of us. I hope that by the time they are ready to fly that I am ready for the next season in life. Whatever it will be. For now, I will continue trying to be the best parent I can be.

 

The “mom” look

I was getting really tired of having long hair. Sure, long hair is beautiful but it is also a lot of work. My biggest issue was style. I am much too busy of a person to take time to do anything more than throw it up in a ponytail. I felt like a slob all the time. Some days I would start with my hair down and without fail it would end in a ponytail.Prime example. Really what is a “pony tail”, it’s a pony’s *SS.” Yeah, that’s what I want. A ponies giant bum on the back of my head…..

I was tired of always looking like the typical stay at home mom. I wanted to look a touch more put together. I am afraid I may have dove of the other deep in right into older lady hair. I love my new hair cut. I think it is cute, fun and for now stylish. I still have to get used to hair down and not in my face all the time. I considered going shorter but this seemed good for now. It already feels cooler for summer!

 

The older I get the better I was?

I hear this saying a lot. Why was I better before? I was irresponsible, partied, drank, was involved with drama, and was a brat. Perhaps, I just don’t understand “the older I get the better I was” saying. Am I taking it wrong? Was I really better? I don’t think so. My childhood was not easy and I can’t say that I was an easy child. I took a lot, and when life was finally good for me I gave a lot. A lot of trouble that is. I was a spoiled brat that figured people always owed me something. I took life for granted and couldn’t wait to grow up. Those that tried to help me were disrespected, and dealt with things that only the worst teens could dish out. I was a great “kid”, by my teen years will go down as my grandparents worst nightmares.

My 20-’s were filled with many milestones. I got married, had 2 babies and was living the american dream. We were happy, but in many ways very immature. I was anyways. I wanted to get sitters, drink and party. I loved my girls but I loved to party to. My patience was always lacking, and I can’t say that I did much of anything joyfully. When I hit 25 something started changing but it would take years to get to where I am.

I am not sure if it was age, kids, marriage or homeschooling that changed me for the better or a combination. I am thankful for it. I had my last baby in my 30′s and granted it was an exhausting pregnancy I enjoyed it. Up to this point I had always hated pregnancy. I found with each year I grew older I also found more patience. I don’t like to drink, party or go out for ladies night at the bar. I look forward to pulling on sweats and snuggling up with my family for a night in. I find myself seeking simplicity, balance, peace and happiness. I am also learning to live in the moment, and to look at reality.

I could do without the varicose veins that have taken up residence on my legs. Wow! For the record they are painful. I could do without the arthritis starting in my hands and fingers after many years of writing and typing. I would love to have more energy. Heck, I would love my vision to go back to 20/20 metaphorically and literally. While my body has new aches, pains, sags and jiggles, I have come to comforting acceptance of them. My body may have changed with age but my mind has only become more clear. The older I get the better I am. I love who I am becoming and can’t wait to see where this thing we call life takes me.

 

Mother’s Day

Happy mother’s day to all the amazing moms out there. I wanted to commend all mommies today who are doing what they feel is best for their children. While all moms are important, I especially want to give a shout out to all the single moms, (because of divorce or forced to be that way for now). Being a mom is a hard but very rewarding job. There is little acknowledgement, drama and lots of competition among us mothers. I hope that for today everyone can just see moms for that. Just moms.

I really look up to my grandmother. I will forever be grateful to her and all that she has taught me. I don’t know that I would have turned out to be the mom I am if it was not for her. I still have a lot to learn, and she teaches me more every day. She really is the epitome of worlds greatest mom. I don’t want to leave out my mom. She did the best she could with the cards she was dealt. Until I became a mom, I didn’t know the extent of what she had done.

I am so thankful to be the mommy to my girls. They have no idea what they have done to me or my life. I could not imagine not having them. They bring me much joy, laughter, and insight. They have taught me to see things differently. They have taught me to look at the most basic of reality, and the most abstract life has to offer. They teach me something new each and every day. They have taught me how to forgive, by forgiving me when I make a mistake. They have taught me how to admit when I am wrong and more importantly to admit when I don’t know the answer.

The best gift in the world is the reminder of mothers day. The day my life changed forever. I have 3 amazing gifts. My girls. I am not sure we are doing anything for mothers day, but if I have my pick I want to celebrate it with the family that gave me this most amazing title. MOM.

 

That time of year!

It is that time of year again where I spend my time piecing my curriculum together and plan it all out. The end of the year is always bitter-sweet. It has a great sense of accomplishment, yet comes with saying good-bye to another year. This year is a bit more sad for me. Perhaps sad is the wrong word, but it is the closest to what I am feeling.  Beaner will be a middle school-er next year. I love that she is healthy and growing, but it is going by way too quickly. It feels like just yesterday she was learning her alphabet, and her 1,2,3′s. Time flies when you’re having fun I guess. I am thankful to still have 6 years left with her and will continue to cherish each and every one. More than the grade is changing within Beaner, and slowly but surely a young lady is forming. She is still the kind and gentle little girl who would climb onto my lap for a story, but in a much more refined way.

Tonight is a prime example of Beaner and I am so incredibly grateful for her. I don’t know if I have ever talked about my anxiety/ptsd on here. I have anxiety really bad and the doctor says it is ptsd caused by many factors. I always try to deal with it without having to take my Xanax. When my husband was going out-of-town a lot it exasperated my anxiety/ptsd. He had to leave for several weeks at a time over 7 months. I had just had a baby and a c-section. It all just piled up. My husband had to go out-of-town this week for his job, which he rarely has to do anymore. My anxiety was reaching some new heights. I was starting to freak out and couldn’t find my Xanax. I can have a bottle of 60 pills last me 6 months or more. I was starting to get super jumpy and just overall very anxiety ridden. She was able to find my pills, and then was so sweet to make me a chocolate chip waffle. She was the one keeping me calm when it should be me calming my child. She knew that I really needed help in that moment and she knew how to help me.Now, just so you know if I would have been able to find my Xanax I wouldn’t have had such a bad attack. I know the bad ones coming on, and those I don’t mess around with. Most of the time, I can work through anxiety as it passes over time.  Tonight I knew I couldn’t. It makes me proud that she strong enough to step in when I am weak. She didn’t boast or brag, she just did it without seeking acknowledgement.

Overall, I am really excited about this upcoming year. I love homeschooling these girls. I wish I could add more time to the years. Do more. The time seems to go by faster than I can adjust to the change. Each year adds new perspective. I don’t think I would enjoy life or look at things like I do if I were not a  homeschooler. I fully believe this is what I was meant to do. This next year we are taking on some major tasks, and have some awesome field trips planned. We won’t be joining the homeschool groups this year as I just don’t feel they benefit us. As with anything in life everyone has their own idea of how to do things right, and there becomes drama when you don’t accept your way is not the only way. I can’t stand drama so I plan to do without.

 

Adjustment Period

My first week of school is complete! It has been a bit tough moving during my first week of school. I wish I could have planned that better. So far everything is going great. I have been able to keep up with my responsibilities, with minimal stress.

I started school on Tuesday, moved to my new house Wednesday and completely unpacked by Friday morning. It was so much easier moving with less stuff. We actually got rid of a bunch more when we were unpacking. We are really learning to live with less and be much happier. I don’t think we are at the finish line on minimalism yet, but I think that line adjusts as your comfort level adjusts.

All in all things are going good. I can honestly say this week has been exhausting. I am hoping Monday I will be back to my normal routine. The new normal anyways. It is lesson planning season so I have a lot on my plate, but I also find that even with the changes I seem to have much more time on my hands.

 

Gonna shake up your world

Here’s the thing. I didn’t get tattoos for anyone’s pleasure except mine. I love my tattoos, and I don’t see that stopping any time soon. I have never cared what other people thought of me or my tattoos. Honestly, I still could care less what anyone thinks. I get a lot of attention for my tattoos. I am a loner so the attention drives me batty. Good and bad attention. Yes, I get both.

Friday was a perfect example. My family went out to a restaurant and we got massive stares and a few glares as we walked to our table. My family is used to it so it rarely bothers us unless someone gets disrespectful. My family sat down and had a wonderful meal. Throughout our meal, an elderly lady kept leaning to look and when our eyes would meet she would glare at me. I found the whole ordeal to be quite comical. She was glaring at me because she was caught staring!

My kids understand the behavior that is expected at all times. I don’t care if we are in a hole in the wall or a 5 star restaurant, my kids are expected to act the same. I have raised my children with extremely high standards and I expect they uphold them. There is nothing worse than going to dinner and having your dinner disturbed by unruly kids. They were very well behaved the entire meal. As our family was walking out the elderly couple stopped us to say that our children were beautiful and SO well-behaved. I knew that of course, but I thanked her anyways as did my children.

I wish other parents would get the acknowledgement that I receive for well behaved children. I promise I am not trying to brag. If they did they wouldn’t have to question if they were a good parent. They would feel good and just know they are. It feels good when someone tells you how impressed with your kids they are.  My whole point in this is everyone is judged immediately in this world. My family is judged for my tattoos. People assume my kids will be rowdy, or rude. They can’t fathom someone covered in tats could have very respectful children, that have incredible manners. Its because of their judgement that I can change their view of moms with tattoos. In some way I shake up their thoughts and put a new image there. Perhaps the next person won’t be judged so harshly.

My children were raised with judgments surrounding our family their entire lives. Talk to them and they wouldn’t change a thing. My kids are very free spirited but they understand where my line is. Cross it and there will be discipline. (No, I am not a spanker.) I don’t use harsh words, or harsh discipline. I treat them like people, but I show them a consequence. They also have a clear understanding of how they will always be judged in life. If you hang out with a bunch of teens that are loose, you will be associated as loose. Hang out with a stoner and you will be called a stoner.  Who you associate with and what you associate with will reflect on you as a person. I have tattoos. It is assumed for the amount that I have that either A) I am a tattoo artist or B) I live a rougher lifestyle. Neither are true. I do not have the talent to draw anything much less permanently on someones body.B) I don’t have time for rough lifestyles.

I want my children aware of what they will be judged on and to an extent care. I want them to care for the right reasons. I am out to shake up this world. I will make my mark. In anything I do, I will attempt to shake up someones opinions. I am not a perfect person. I don’t know anyone who is. I want my children to make their mark. I want them to know that judgement can be confirmed or changed. So I could choose to bow down to what people expect to get when they see me and my family or I can rock their world with what they are not expecting. I chose to rock their worlds. Just me. I make a choice daily to be a great person, raise great kids and live a good honorable life with integrity.

I’m not going to say that I don’t judge because I do. I try not to, but at times I just can’t help it. I am learning a bit more each day. Sometimes it takes someone to rock my world and change my opinion. Judgement isn’t always a bad thing. It can lead people to hold themselves to a higher standards. Keep in mind that those who judge will be judged. Be prepared for it

If your curious how my children feel about their mom being so artistic and free spirited. Beaner says she knows that she can be herself because I am true to myself. Half pint tells me all the time she wants to be just like me when she grows up.  Lil Bit is to young to voice her opinion yet.

 

Baby Gear

I am going to be an auntie soon, and I am SO excited! It must be the year of babies, as nearly everyone I know is pregnant. Having your first baby is an experience full of learning and adventure. There are so many baby/toddler products on the market that want to help you on that adventure. If you bought all of them, you would go broke. (Unless you of course are rich, and like to have pointless stuff around go for it;) ) I was never one of those moms who thought I needed everything. I have very specific things that I love. I am brand whore. I have stated this over and over. Lets face it- you find something you like and you stick with it. I have so many friends that are asking what they should buy, so I am just going to put it out here. I don’t have time to sit on the phone and go over this 3 times a day for an hour a time. To my friends- I love you dearly, but you know I am busy. Anyone else- I hope you find this helpful!

I am not going to go over clothes on this list. You know you need clothes.  I will say with your clothing purchase get lots of onsies and sleepers. You will get plenty of outfits as gifts.

My essentials list

“Nature babycare” diapers and wipes by NATY are my favorite. They are eco friendly and they work. I have never had them leak, break or blow out.

“Born Free” bottles. I nursed or pumped with my kids, until I had to switch to organic formula. I loved these bottles as much as my babies did. One thing I love these bottles is because you can stick with them all the way until they are off of sippy cups. Yes, I said sippy cups. Once your baby is done with the nipple you can pull it off and put in a sippy cup spout. This spout works like the nipples. It changes as your baby grows, until they graduate to a cup. I love products that work for long periods of time. I have used both the glass and the plastic. These are easy to clean and use. I have found it to work great with colicy babies. They are slightly more expensive but well worth the investment. If you stay on top of your bottles 6 large bottles works just fine. I did have a few smaller bottles that we used the first few months. (All of my babies were 5 pounders so the bigger bottles were gigantic looking.)

Play yard. I had a “Graco” one. I bought one of those play yard mattresses. They are comfortable. I don’t believe in cribs. I can’t stand the bars. They look like little jails but that is just me. To me they are a big investment and not much return. My kids graduate to a twin bed between 2 or 3 years old.

“Nap Nanny” This is a big one for me. It does not last long, but for babies with colic, cold or poor sleepers it is a god send. Lil bit slept in hers until she could roll over. Never put it in a crib, playpen or on top of something. I sat mine next to my bed. It is also night for having them sit up for change of scenery, feed them or as a tv chair when they are older. Lil Bit uses hers to this day to watch cartoons.

Car-seat.”Evenflo Titan Elite”. I love this seat. I didn’t waste my time with infant seats. Too much work. This one can be rear facing to 35lbs and forward facing to 50lbs. All kids are different but mine do not hit 50lbs until they are 8 years old or so. Beaner just hit 62lbs and she will be 10 in a few days. Once carseat until they are out. It fits well in my car, but this is a huge carseat.

I have the “babyjogger citimini” and love, love, love it!! It fold flat, is super light, and you can fold it with one hand. This stroller pushes nice. Storage is slightly lacking but I can deal with that. I love this thing!! I had one of those massive travel systems with Beaner when she was little and found it to be a pain in the rear. It was heavy and awkward. I sold it got the citimini. I have not regretted the choice.

“wubalub” is a pacifier with a stuffed animal attached to it. This one speaks for itself. It’s pricey but very well worth it and you will have to see for yourself on this one.

High- chair. I bought the cheap one from walmart that folds up. I love it. It’s not pretty but it is small and fold up so I can store it. Nothing worse than stubbing your toe on a high chair. Mine has lasted for several years and still has a ton of life left in it.

“ergo” baby carrier. I love the support this thing gives. I used the “moby wrap” when the kids were younger, but I love this one for older babies and toddlers.

Everything else for babies to me is just clutter. With my first baby I was given so much stuff that I thought I HAD to have, but I didn’t use it. I used this with my other two and we found it to be more than enough.

 

Family Date

Our family loves to spend time together. We love food, hard work and anything that includes spending time together. Today we went out to an orphanage in the area. Yes, they really do still exist. We went out to help out around the farm, along with 130 other volunteers. We spent the day painting the fence white. Sure did look nice when we all got done with it. Everyone worked well as a team. There was about 15 of us painting the fence that lined the driveway. (Doesn’t look huge in the picture, trust me it was!) There were several groups of us working different projects. We just happen to do the painting. Others cleaned out the creek, property clean up, pathway building and playground clean up.

We got to the farm about 7:45am and we worked until 12:30. As you can see I had Lil Bit on my back in her ERGO. She did fantastic, and yes she stayed in there the entire time. Once we were done with the fence all the volunteers had a group picture and grabbed some BBQ which is one of the best things about living in Missouri. Have I ever said how much I really love food?

Our family worked really hard today. I am so proud of my girls. They worked hard and did a great job. Painting is hard work. I was so proud of my girls for doing the work so joyfully and with a smile on their face. They understood why we were there and what the “farm” was for. I hope we can continue to offer our elbow grease in the future. My family really enjoyed helping a place that really is great for kids, and we got to spend good time together today as a family .Every time we volunteer we find ourselves becoming 5strong. We can do anything when we rally as a team.

Life is good. Very good.

 

Reinvent Your Bucketlist

A while back I wrote about coming up with a bucket-list. I started constructing a list of my goals, places I wanted to see, dreams and even how things like home decorating. I realized that most of my list involved money somehow. 3 our of 50 items were free. I found myself slightly depressed that my dreams were so hinged on money. Heck, most of my goals and places I want to see were hinged on money. I get irritated easily about money. In my head I tell myself that money can’t buy happiness, yet looking at my bucket-list it shows something different. If you haven’t caught on, I am a very glass is at half person. It makes no sense when people say is the glass half full or half empty. The glass is just at half!

I decided to reinvent my bucket-list. I am not going to make a giant list of the things I want to buy or do. Goals are great, but that just makes me think about all the things I CAN’T do because I CAN’T afford to. I have survived my whole life without a bucket-list. However, I do want to see my achievements. I have made some big ones in my life. Some of the biggest things that have happened to me I would have never put on a bucket-list.

When my lupus was killing me, I went into remission. I didn’t want children yet I went on to have 3. I have traveled to WI, IA, FL, AZ, KS and MO. I have lived in MN, FL and MO. I planned on sending my kids to public school, yet I have homeschooled since their first day of preschool. Looking back on my life the best things I have been blessed with, I couldn’t have thought these things up.

I still have goals, lots of goals. I don’t hold tightly to them, as life is an adventure and I would rather go with the flow on most things. The bucket-list is depressing. So I’m not making a list of all the things I want to do I am going to let life do the driving and I will be open to adventure. I will keep track of all my adventures in a journal. I started this weekend and when I started looking back at everything I have done, it is truly amazing! I have really come a long way in this thing called life and I can’t wait to see what the rest of the adventure will bring!